The 2004 race for the Presidency has been fraught with plot twists and high drama, but none quite so startling as the appearance of crowds of orange pylons outside the nation's polling places.
The high turnout of orange pylons — which has reached as many as seven per hundred voters in some districts (see inset) — took both parties by surprise. "The candidates took us for granted," an orange pylon told reporters outside a community center in Cambridge, Mass. "They thought that because we don't have legs, we wouldn't make it here to vote."
The Kerry campaign was quick to capitalize on the orange pylon development, calling a press conference in which their presidential candidate — some would say belatedly — specifically acknowledged the contributions orange pylons make to society. "Orange pylons keep us safe," Kerry said. "They steer us clear of industrial sites, they channel us into the appropriate highway lanes . . . they, uh, glow in the dark."
At the President's Crawford, Texas ranch, Bush-Cheney spokesman Scott Stanzel watched footage of Kerry's briefing with disdain. "That's one more bandwagon Kerry's jumping on at the last minute," Stanzel said. "He's just the king of the grandstanders, isn't he?"
But as orange pylons descend en masse on polling venues in Florida and the Midwestern battleground states, some pundits believe they have the ability to turn the tide of the election. James Carville is one: "Kerry and Bush both made a grave error overlooking the pylon vote. And though I think orange voters as a rule identify more with Kerry, because of that fake tan, the pylons are a wild card in this race — no doubt about it."
It should surprise no one that Republicans are taking no chances with the pylon vote. The Republican National Committee has announced that it will challenge orange pylons who attempt to vote in Ohio's inner cities. "They all look alike," complained RNC chairman Ed Gillespie. "They're all bright orange and, well, conical in shape. Each of these pylons could vote multiple times and no one would know."
What issues are driving the orange pylon voting bloc? Health care, for one: "I've worked over at the DMV for six months now," said one orange pylon outside a poll center in Broward County, Florida. "In total, I've been run over 114 times by teenage drivers trying to parallel park. That kind of wear and tear adds up." The pylon added that one of his brothers was hit by a drunk driver on a road construction site on Interstate 95, and the state found it more economical to replace him than to repair him. "Now he's out of work, disabled — those tire tracks don't come off without cosmetic surgery, you know. All this happened on George Bush's watch."
Job training is another issue. The proliferation of orange plastic barrels and airport "Tensabarriers" over the last several years has left more than 30,000 orange pylons on the economic sidelines. The Third Orange Pylon From the Door at the 9th Street Community Center in Cleveland said his fellow pylons need to let these jobs go: "I don't think you can reverse the Tensabarrier trend. They're innovative, and they do a better job than we do keeping people in line." The Third Orange Pylon added that he thought President Bush had a better plan to reposition orange pylons to work in the New Economy.
But don't think civil rights and discrimination are not at the forefront of the minds of orange pylon voters. Pylon social status could turn out to be one of the most important issues in this election. Another Broward County pylon explained: "I came to vote because it's high time we orange pylons stood up for ourselves. I was standing outside a rest stop in New Jersey last summer, and a girl picked me up, put me on her head, and started yelling, 'Look at me! I'm the Wicked Witch of the Turnpike!'" The pylon paused, sniffled, then said, "Imagine if she tried to put a white guy on her head like that."
