Last Wednesday I had an amazing out-of-body experience.
Yes, yes, I understand, Lieutenant. Under the law I have a right to remain silent. But under God I have a
responsibility to spread the Word of the Lord. And I think that last Wednesday I may have been Visited by the Spirit. I'm thinking this because of the Light that I saw, a warm glowing Light, and the Song of the Angels, sung by a choir of voices unlike any I had ever heard, and because of the giant, otherwise unprompted erection I had at the end of the experience . . .
but I'm getting ahead of myself, and I should tell the story as the Lord our God would want me to tell the story, as He tells His Story: from the Beginning.
Well, yes, Lieutenant. If you want the tape recorder on, by all means put it on. It could well be that when you play this back, you'll hear the Song of the Angels, too, on the tape. Are you ready? All right then. In the Beginning, it was Wednesday afternoon, and I had one of my Christian brothers down on the ground, I was kicking him something awful, and he was howling like a bitch.
Now I should say that this Christian brother of mine is a good Christian, for the most part. I'd say for probably twenty-one, twenty-two hours each day, he honors the Lord. But it's that last two or three hours that, to me, make all the difference. I always seem to catch him in these un-Christian hours, and he pisses me off. He comes to my house, this Christian brother does, and he offers the Hand of Christian Fellowship to me, but I know he's just there to mooch my Passion Fruit Salad and try to make off with my
Stryper CDs and
Left Behind books.
Well, you can call it motive if you like, Lieutenant, but this day and that day and all days are days of the Lord, and He works in His own mysterious ways. I am only an instrument of a Greater Will, and it's
His motive that is important, but at the same time inapparent to all of His Servants — you, me, my Christian brother over there at Fayetteville General. We just can't ever know what His plans are for us.
So anyway, on this particular Wednesday, my brother in fellowship came to my door and asked (he
asked, this time) to borrow my copy of
Glorious Appearing. So I said to him, "Brother in Christ, you should buy your own copy of
Glorious Appearing, because it's important that we all band together to give our support to the authors of these works." And my brother in fellowship answered me with "Brother, would you also have me pay for a copy of the Good News?" Now as much as I credit the authors of the Left Behind series as True Believers, and as honorable servants of the Lord, I think it's blasphemous to compare those earthly works to the Word of God. So I threw my Christian brother on the ground, and by Christ, through Christ, and in Christ, I got myself to kicking him, and he started howling like a bitch.
"Good Christian brother," he said, "you're breaking my ribs and making me howl like a bitch! Would Jesus do this?"
And I thought that was a bit much, my brother in fellowship playing the WWJD card on me, like it was some trump card in a sinful game of chance. In fact, I thought what he said was a perversion of the WWJD principle, and I went inside to change into my John 3:16 T-shirt and get my horse whip. But before I could get back outside to flay my blaspheming brother alive — and by so doing honor the Lord in that fashion — I was visited by the Spirit.
The tape ran out, Lieutenant. No, the tape. It just clicked off. Go on and flip it over. I can wait. All set? Good:
I remember only that I was walking down the hall, and I suddenly heard a loud SNAP, like two fists had grabbed the old oak tree outside and broken its trunk in half. Then a bright Light flashed. The SNAP resolved quickly into the Song of the Angels, and the Light dispersed into the warm glow I described above. I seemed to drop out of time and space. The Light was penetrating, and I understood suddenly that it came from my eyes. I was able to see in all directions, through all impediments, and in the Song of the Angels I could hear all the sounds of this Earth.
For a short time, the Spirit gave me True and Infinite Understanding. I could see, for example, my Christian brother on the ground outside, fighting his constant battle with Satan. I could hear his scrambled, anxious thoughts, and I could feel the awkwardness of his humanity. For the first time I looked on my brother in fellowship and truly comprehended the admixture of pain, fear, and joy in the Lord that simultaneously wracks and salves his Immortal Soul.
This Visitation by the Spirit went on for, I don't know, fifteen, twenty minutes? Well, I'm just guessing, Lieutenant, but I'd say twenty minutes because I had a roast in the oven, and it had probably a half hour more to cook when my Christian brother first rang the doorbell. The timer went off sometime in the middle of the rapture.
When I came to, I ran outside with the riding quirt, only to find that my Christian brother was gone. When I went back inside I saw that
Glorious Appearing was missing from my bookshelf. My Christian brother had left a note on the kitchen table: SAW YOU WRITHING ON THE GROUND, MY BROTHER. WERE YOU SUMMONING THE SPIRIT OR RESISTING A DEMON? I DIDN'T WANT TO INTERFERE, SO I TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO BORROW YOUR BOOK. HOPE YOU DON'T MIND. YOURS IN CHRIST, and he signed his name.
That little shit, I thought. He coveted, then he stole. That's two Commandments. So I drove over to his house with a can of kerosene and set fire to the place.
How did I do it? I went around the house, splashed the kerosene up and down the siding, and tossed a match. But that's not the point, Lieutenant. The point is that last Wednesday the Lord suffered the Holy Spirit to descend upon me and enlighten me for a short time. No, the Lord didn't
tell me to go burn down my Christian brother's house. That's not how the Lord works. He's put me here to honor Him, in every word and in every deed. And that's all I try to do in my time on this Earth, as His humble servant.
Did you get that? No, that last part about the humble servant. Well, you ejected the tape in the middle of my sentence, so I don't think you did get it. No. No. At this time I don't particularly feel the need to have a lawyer, Lieutenant. But I would be happy to reach out with my Hand of Christian Fellowship and offer
you the
Lord's counsel, to save you from the eternal grave. Well, unless they transfer me I'll be in this room for a while, God willing, so if you change your mind you know where to find me.
Editor-in-Chief
MAXIM Magazine
New York, New York
Dear Sir:
I write to apply for a job with your magazine. Specifically, I think I am a strong candidate for the position of Sexy Woman Cover Blurb Writer. Although I do not have very much experience writing sexy woman cover blurbs, I believe my talent and enthusiasm for this sort of work makes up for what my resume lacks. My writing has zip and kick, and I think it conveys a kind of carnality that your readership will identify with and enjoy.
But rather than blow my own horn, why don't I just show you what I can do? Here are some sample cover blurbs that I wrote just last night. And believe it or not, I wrote all these blurbs in just one forty-five minute session! And I had the TV on in the background at the time, so I was distracted. Not because I especially like
Gilmore Girls, but I think the actresses who portray the mother and daughter on that show are babe-a-licious honeys! Anyway, here are my examples. I chose cover models from a variety of backgrounds to show you my versatility.
• [Former Disney Channel child star who wants to show the world her parents don't control her life anymore] GOOFS around. Our MOUSE isn't MINNIE anymore! BECAUSE THERE ARE PICTURES OF HER INSIDE WHERE SHE BARELY HAS ANY CLOTHES ON AT ALL!!!
• [Female curler who wants to sex up her sport on the eve of the 2006 Winter Olympics] wants to MELTS THE ICE with you! SHE'S AS HALF-NAKED AS THE BIATHLETE FROM LAST MONTH!
• Got a light? 'Cause [World-renowned woman chemist who needs the money because her grant funding only goes to men] has the BUNSEN BURNER, she's ALMOST NAKED, and she's COOKING WITH GAS! And she wants to show you her MOLES.
• [Presidential candidate] wants you to STUFF her BALLOT BOX! What she won't do for YOUR VOTE! SHE'S IN SEXY UNDERWEAR!
• [The actresses who portray mother and daughter on the
Gilmore Girls] like it FAMILY STYLE. THEY'RE NOT WEARING ANY CLOTHES!
So? What do you think? Pretty good? Well, there's plenty more where that came from. Imagine if I had a
full month, instead of just the forty-five minutes, to think up the blurb for your cover! I also think that if I were able to meet and spend time with the sexy women, which I expect I'll probably get to do if I get this job, I would be able to get insights into their personalities that would really help me develop my concepts over the course of the month.
Please
write me back with any questions you might have. With forty-five minutes' notice, I can provide further material for you to review. I would love to speak further with you about this in an interview setting. I really, REALLY think I am the man for this job.
Very Truly Yours (if you know what I mean (wink-wink)),
/s/
[PHUTATORIUS]
