Well, I finally picked up my
Pneumatic Walker air cast for my ankle today (
broken, by the way, for those of you who regarded me as less than a trouper in recent weeks).
The P. Walker, christened DAS BOOT by the Wife, has many virtues. Its chief purpose is, of course, to immobilize my ankle when I walk on it. But I like Das Boot for other reasons, chiefly because it enables me to
crush my enemies.
Take, for example, the boot's ribbed sole. Not only does it provide durability and traction for the walking wounded, but it is also ideally configured for grinding the bones of my enemies to powder.
What is more, Das Boot comes with a handy-squeeze sphyg momanometroid air pump. This accessory has two settings, INFLATE and DEFLATE, and its purpose is to calibrate air pressure inside the boot — you want enough air in there to preclude lateral movement in the ankle, but you don't want so much that you cut off circulation in your leg. So you INFLATE and DEFLATE until you get it right.
But the pump has other uses as well: I can set it to DEFLATE, thread the valve through the graying lips of my fallen enemies and draw out their last breaths with three squeezes of the rubber bulb. Or I could clamp Das Boot just under the diaphragm of my fallen enemies, hold their noses closed with my Williams Sonoma barbecue tongs, and INFLATE their lungs until they burst.
Sure, Das Boot's product literature touts the therapeutic benefits to the wearer: "provides pneumatic support," "is effective in managing edema and fracture healing." It doesn't say how my enemies will cringe in fright when I stomp over the horizon, cyborgish, with my armor-plated boot on my right foot. And it's a good thing, too. The government already had me register my Steely Glare as a deadly weapon. It took three weeks for the Bureau of Self-Promoting Deadly Weapons to process the application, and I had to wear sunglasses that entire time.
But Das Boot comes marching in under the radar. No paperwork, no interviews with police are required. All I had to do was swing by the hospital during working hours and hand over my prescription. And
voila! Indomitability.
So crumple before me now, my mortal enemies — you know who you are — and beg leave to coat Das Boot with your penitent kisses. The boot will be available for groveling exercises between 9 and 10 a.m. Monday through Wednesday, after which time I'll be at work, and you'll have to get in touch with my assistant to make an appointment.
