Phutatorius

WHEN in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one fan Base to dissolve the political bands which have connected it with the Bullpen of its home town Team, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle it, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all baseball Enthusiasts are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are the rights to one's Sanity, one's coronary Health, and the pursuit of a World Series title for the beloved home Team. — That to secure these rights, Bullpens, inter alia, are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the fan Base, — That whenever any such aggregation of relief Pitchers becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the fan Base to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Bullpen, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect an occasional victory for the home Team when it takes a lead into the late Innings. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Setup Men and Closers long established in their Craft should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that Fans are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right the Team by demanding the outright Release of the Bums to whom they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and Conflagrations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under the .500 Mark, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such a Bullpen, and to provide new relief Pitchers for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of the good People of Cleveland; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their Team's roster of Players. The history of the present Bullpen is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Collapse in the AL Central. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

• The Bullpen has refused to afford the Fans the quiet Confidence that a late-inning Lead will ripen into a Win.

• It has blown 18 of 31 save Opportunities.

• It has lost a league-high 11 extra-Inning games.

• It has a combined earned run Average of 5.34.

• It lacks a situational Lefty.

The team Manager has given free rein to a Bullpen of unparalleled and tragic Incompetence; rendering it wholly unaccountable:

• For Blowing gigantic Leads at least twice a week:

• For Depriving an above-Average pitching Rotation of many deserved Wins:

• For Causing the Team to lose nineteen games in which it was tied or held the Lead in the seventh Inning:

• For consistently Compromising the progress a young and ebullient Collection of Players continues to make, despite the Bullpen's efforts.

Some detail must be given to the particular Depredations of one Jose Jimenez —

• He has abdicated his responsibilities both as principal Setup Man and Closer, compiling a 1-7 Record with an ERA of 9.46.

• He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people. (Well, at least it seems that way.)

• He has, in a single Week, served up home-run balls in three extra-inning Games.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated Substitutions of one hapless closer for another. A Bullpen whose character is thus marked by every statistic which may define the relief Corps of a Class-A affiliate, is unfit to be the Repository of the hopes and Dreams of Clevelanders.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our brethren in the Front Office. We have warned them from time to time of their attempts to extend unwarrantable appearances to the likes of Cliff Bartosh and Scott Stewart. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our support for this star-crossed Organization. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our enthusiasm for the Indian team. They too have been deaf to the voice of reason. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity of overruling the Front Office on this matter and hold this Bullpen, as we hold the rest of the Major Leagues, Enemies during games, on off-days Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united Supporters of the Cleveland Indians baseball Organization, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world (and if He is not available, Bud Selig) for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of northeastern Ohio, solemnly publish and declare, That the 2004 Cleveland Indians, are and of Right ought to be Free and Independent of this frightful bullpen; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to their sad-sack relievers, and that all political connection between them and Jose Jimenez, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a much-Improved Major League baseball Team, they have full Power to get left-handed Hitters out, close out tight games, extend extra-inning contests, and to do all other Acts and Things which teams free of their crap-ass drag-me-down bullpens may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.