So it turns out that my much-anticipated interview with Barbara Walters will likely never be aired. It seems the network execs reviewed the tape and decided that we "didn't click," which is —
I presume — a polite way of saying that I didn't like her sad-sack lines of inquiry and she didn't like my honest and forthright answers. At any rate, I'm legally free and clear to transcribe the heart-to-heart for the Fan Club now. Here are some tidbits (the rest I'm holding in reserve for the premium subscribers):
BW: When it became clear that the Hank Williams, Jr. ransom enterprise was a failure, and you weren't going to get the gobs of money you had projected in your business plan, did you feel just a twinge of remorse for putting Mr. Williams through such a difficult experience?
P: I wouldn't call it a "failure," Barbara. That deal brought in close to 1500 bucks net. I bought a kick-ass stereo with that money.
BW: Not so long ago a man posted a cry for help on your website about being bricked inside a room. What ever happened with that? That wasn't Hank Williams, was it?
P: Nah. That was a contestant on a reality show concept I sold to Fox. The network scrapped the program in mid-production. I don't know if the guy ever got out; according to the contracts all liability flowed to the network, so it wasn't really my problem. I'm still waiting for the crew to return my Ace Frehley boots, which I recently saw Jason Bateman wearing on
Arrested Development. So there might be a lawsuit in the coming weeks.
BW: What's the hardest thing about being Phutatorius?
P: The winters.
BW: The winters?
P: Yeah, they're really cold.
BW: Are you speaking metaphorically?
P: No, Barbara — I live in the Northeast, and the winters get pretty goddamned cold. Jesus, already. What did you want me to say?
BW: How are things with your Wife,
really?
P: The Wife is unqualifiedly the light of my life. Everything that I do — the kidnappings, the Save the Children work, the tree surgeries, the dishes sometimes — it's all for her.
BW: Certain people in the entertainment industry have said that your celebrity is trumped-up, that you're a talentless publicity hound. How do you answer these criticisms?
P: That Jennifer Lopez is a bitter, underachieving bitch who should tend to her own fields first. If I had her body I'd be the Supreme Allied Commander of NATO by now.
BW: Underneath the bluster and posturing, the pomp and circumstance — the tough-guy image you project on your website — there's a different Phutatorius inside, isn't there? A wounded inner child, perhaps, desperate for acceptance?
P: Cut the crap, Barbara, before I have you killed.
BW: When this interview airs, you will be able to reach a broad-ranging demographic — people who probably are not familiar with your website. Is there something you would like to say to the viewers who don't know what you're about and are seeing you now for the first time?
P: So I bought this great Spanish cheese at the Whole Foods yesterday for $9.99 a pound. Real buttery stuff with an edible rind —
Urgelia,
Urgelita, I think it was called. Something like that. Anyway, the guy at the cheese counter says he expects it to go on special sometime in the next two weeks. So all of you people out in TV Land should totally try it.
