Mark my words: Indians minor-league prospect Kazuhito Tadano will go down in history as one of the all-time great relief pitchers. He will also, apparently, go down on camera for money.
WHOA! Stop the presses, Phutatorius. As the late, great Joe Strummer used to say, "start all over again . . ."
Indians minor-league prospect Kaz Tadano
recently discussed his college-age appearance in a Japanese pornographic film, in which he performed a homosexual act. Predictably, Tadano embraced an age-old defense: "I was young, I needed the money, they told me they would shade my face out." As it turned out, by the time Tadano made himself eligible for the Japanese League draft — he was a projected first-round pick — the tabloid press had made damned sure none of the clubs would touch him. Hence his availability to my beloved Tribe at < $70K.
Tuesday's press conference probably cements Tadano's candidacy for the much coveted Best Modern Twist to the Old Adage About Killing the Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs. Ohio State tailback Maurice Clarett, a yearlong favorite for the award, has to be wondering what just hit him.
Nonetheless, what struck me about the press conference is that the Cleveland and national press have alike described Tadano's come-clean moment as an "apology." Which make me wonder, to whom does he feel he needs to make an apology? To the press, which is largely responsible for exiling him from his home country — and which is doing its best to make him miserable here? To the fans, some of whom might have to wrangle with the moral conflict of rooting for a hometown team with a confirmed sodomite (
gasp!) in the bullpen? If anyone is hurting, it's Tadano himself, who pretty much had his life and career ruined over this.
Perhaps the apology was directed at the Yankee and Red Sox fans who will spend the months before Tadano's debuts at the Stadium and Fenway allocating 90% of their RAM to crafting clever insults to deliver from the bleachers, only to come up with nothing more intricate than the expected "TADANO SUCKS!" A lot of ears will be smoking in the Northeast, as the region's negligible creativity is tried and exhausted. For his part, Tadano promises not to take offense at the taunts of fans, as he says he won't understand their English. As I'm a student of the language, and I don't understand much of it myself, I believe him.
But really, what the guy did — while admittedly illegal in Japan — is constitutionally protected here in the States. Why should he have to apologize to America? Japan should apologize to him. If this is the trend, then the payoff will be regular press briefings at which young tennis stars throw themselves at the mercy of Middle America for their abortions. And I think that's just silly.
Oh, and Tadano also wants it known that he is straight. This marks the sport's second public declaration of heterosexuality in this century, and it will no doubt bring great relief to the less-than-progressive clubhouses in professional baseball.
For my part (and because I can't resist one more pun), I hope that the hard-throwing and fabulously talented Tadano, now that he knows what terrible reputational consequences can flow from it, will redouble his commitment not to let any man past first base. Particularly in the late innings of a close game.
