I have, quite by accident, stumbled across Wife Kryptonite. If at any point during the day I find myself cornered — with the Wife on the high moral ground and myself squarely in her sights in the lowlands — I resort to a talismanic five-word sentence:
Wo-man, geets to makin' pies.
It's an absolute stunner, totally freezes her in her tracks, and it buys me time to think up a more suitable defense or, when none is available — as occurs all too often — it gives me a minute to run to safety. Like most mantras, results may vary considerably in accordance with subtle modulations in delivery. That is, you have to be careful to say it just right. You
do not, for example, want the Wife to take you literally. By no means should your utterance of "geets to makin' pies" give the impression that you actually want the pies. The point of the exercise is instead to evoke the very husband that the Wife does not have — and could well have, if it were not for you — in order that she might better accept you and your own lesser bevy of defects. An exaggerated accent is appropriate, delivered in the voice of a toothless mountaineer, if you can muster it.
Geets to makin' pies, wo-man. Try it. I guarantee five to ten seconds of stunned silence, and you should be able to lock yourself into the bathroom in that amount of time. If she snaps back that she wants a divorce, well, it's because you didn't say it right. But you might give it one last shot when she serves you with the papers.
Put them dockerments down, wo-man, and geets to makin' pies! After the tearful reconciliation, renewal of vows, and shared dessert (ordered in, of course), you can thank Dr. Phutatorius for this Best Medicine.
DISCLAIMER: the above was published without the prior review and approval of the Author's Wife and is subject to hasty and aggressive editing as necessary to alleviate discord in the aforementioned Author's household.
