Everywhere I go, people are complimenting me on my socks. Why, just the other day, the man at the DMV window, usually sullen and uninspired in his work, told me that he'd been admiring my socks all the way through the winding line. His interest in my socks was enough to get me extra-special treatment: he took five photos of me for my license renewal and allowed me to choose from the set, to ensure I had a picture I approved on my photo ID. "I want to honor the socks," he kept saying. "Where did you get them?"
The thing is, Joe DMV could only see the three inches of navy-blue cotton-polyester blend between my leg cuff and my shoe. The real beauty of my socks is in the toe: double reinforced stitching in the signature golden weave of
GoldToe Incorporated. Now if you're anything like me, you've spent half your life stumbling down the sidewalk with your finger in your shoe, trying to work your toes back in through the holes in your sock. Get yourself a pair of GoldToes, and those days are over.
GoldToe's patented toe-stitching makes their socks the most durable foot-warmers in the business. My big toes aren't the longest you'll ever see, but when I have a good-sized nail growing on one, it can cut through a sock like a hot knife through butter. But not GoldToes. The proof is in the pudding: the year I won the Managua Marathon — 1992, I think it was — I did an experiment. I went into the race with a GoldToe athletic tube sock on one foot, and a competitor's sock on the other. When I crossed the finish line I had a three-toe hole in the Brand X sock (with blisters to match), but the GoldToe covered the 26.2 miles with only a hint of fraying along the crest of the big toe. That's durability, people.
And did I say that the women just love them, too? Long ago, the Wife took to heart an article in
Cosmopolitan that insisted a man who makes love with his socks on was not fit to marry — that it was a sign of laziness. Who would have thought that, years later, the good people at GoldToe would have changed her mind? But it has. "Those socks really show off your muscular calves," she will tell me. "Leave 'em on, Phutsie baby, and come to bed." All this on a Tuesday night, too!
And the clincher for me is that you can get GoldToes pretty much
anywhere.
Any clothing store worth its salt will carry a GoldToe line in its Hosiery Department. So get in your car, drive down to your Mall, and get yourself a drawerful of GoldToes. Don't wait — slip a pair on in the store — from now on, you walk with confidence. From now on, you walk with the GoldToe Glow. The world is your oyster, and there's an "R" in the month.
Tell them Phutatorius sent you.
